As I sit here in the Bubble, the computer lab at the LA Recording School in Hollywood, California and it has hit me that I made the biggest transition in my life without the major people in my life. I am so blessed to have positivity within my life now without the negative distractions and hoopla. I think you can get a rebirth once you leave the negativity and get more of a perspective in life. This year I lost the 2 most important factors in my life, my mother, Joyce Terrell, a wonderful woman who could be a bitch at times but deep down was very influential to mt training of music ears and how to conduct yourself as a gentlemen. My father, Herbert Hollins, was a charismatic man who taught me life, pride, style and just being a man and I never blamed him for anything because he did the best to acknowledge me that he loved me. This life we do not think about the importance of your loved ones till their gone. I've seen death, destruction of friendships, disrespecting of women, and how this world has changed in 3 decades and its been a helluva journey indeed. My life has been about survival on my own terms meaning even playing with death on occasions since I was 11.
What I am about to write is the realest emotion ever expressed from my heart. I've always hated myself growing up because I wasn't the guy with the girls and money but I survived without it but I did have a dark side. I became a scavenga at night by robbing and stealing from whatever to whomever if necessary. I fooled family members and friends to keep up a good image but I never allowed it near where I lay my head. I had crews of scavengas who did whatever from pimping to doing whatever to make that paper. The day I saw my best homie, Lee, get his head blown completely off it was the first of many wake up calls in my life. So there were many close calls that some don't even know about like I got shot in the chest and the flask in my coat caught the bullet so was it God or luck?? My journey saw things like betrayal in the most sickening way that I despise to hear the word but I saw women really digging these dudes with money then set them up for the paper which is sick to me and I wondered do they have a conscious. I have to say at the end of the day God always had my back throughout all this period so I survived it.
Now Love is a gross word to me because if you don't watch out it'll get cha all day everyday from family to friends. I am at the point in my life I love women but I don't trust no bitch period. A woman was made by God to be the backbone and overseer in the development of a strong foundation of the family with the right man. I saw 3 men; my 2 grandfathers and my father who were great men when it came to the women with honor, commitment and respect in my eyes. Now there are stories that I heard but they never showed me the ills that men do. Today I've had my heart broken in ways that makes me feel this way but I wonder if I was beating their ass would I be that man for these weak minded women. I am alone now since my best friend who gave me 2 gifts, a girl and a boy I claimed as my son since birth and I love him as my own. I feel God will break me down to the right woman is because I don't like the issues. Now for the record don't think men can handle the rebuild process of a relationship when they break the trust with their scorned lover. The relationship will not last because for one a woman will be more alert and put a man through complete hell because of his bullshit. I've had women accuse, punish, destroy and even left me for dead to prove a point for which in the end I survived it.
Today I have a more mature way of thinking and I see life in a different sense of tranquility. I rather be in my books and refocus on God instead of life's ills. My parents weren't the perfect couple but I feel that still had a bond but only God knows how they felt in their heart. I've survived many crazy scenarios in the streets of Norfolk, Virginia Beach, D.C., Montgomery County(MD), 30 counties of North Carolina and now Hollywood so can you imagine what I will tell you from own eyes. I am happy for once in my life because the Lord let me survive all the negatives pitfalls and the fake love games that gets really old these days. I had to get this out of my system and thank God for this amazing journey and for many more to come whether here on earth or in heaven. Thank you God for making a believer and Right On I'm still a survivor!
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